Chibi

Chibi clan Forum
 
HomeFAQSearchRegisterMemberlistUsergroupsLog in

Share | 
 

 HELP MEEEEEEE

Go down 
AuthorMessage
NINJA
Elite
Elite
avatar

Number of posts : 234
Age : 25
Location : my house
Registration date : 2007-08-14

PostSubject: HELP MEEEEEEE   Tue Oct 16, 2007 5:27 am

help me with this essay i wrote tell me what u guys think of it


There was once a teenager named Bob. He was not the most popular kid in school, partially because he was kind of nerdy always reading and doing his homework. Most of the kids and teachers made fun of him at school except for one girl, Yongi. Yongi was the only one who was nice to Bob. Yongi was a beautiful young girl with short brown hair and was born in England. At their high school most of the kids were very rich and Bob was not in the best financial status however. Also he was an orphan which did not help him. Bob went to all the Dances, rallies, and school functions, by himself though. The kids there were very judgmental especially, Steve the most popular kid in school. He very often made fun of Bob. The school he went to was a very prestige private school. The campus was beautiful with hallways that appeared too made of marble floors that shimmered like polished silver and flowers every where. During one day in class Bobís teacher assigned the class a family tree project. Bob was very uncomfortable about doing it for he did not know anyone beyond his foster parents. Bob went up to the teacher to talk to her whom he did not do often for she was a scary old lady named Ms. Glocker. She was a scary old cat lady who always smelled like cat poo and had a gigantic uni-brow. He talked to her about his situation and she did not care and said youíre going to do it and I donít care. Bob was very down and sad for the rest of class and when they were all leaving Yongi came over and gave him a website address that she said she used to help find some of her relatives. When Bob got home he went on to the website that Yongi gave him and started typing in the information that he knew. Then his dad, John came in and asked how he was doing. Bob said he was fine and then started asking his dad questions that were on the website to see if he could help out any. His dad told him, but warned Bob that he may no like what he finds. Then John said good night and left the room. Bob continued searching and eventually a match came up. It was a very famous family that lived in the upper part of town. He asked his mom to take him there, but she couldnít she said he would have to wait till next weekend because she was so bust with her work. The week went by school was same as usual Bob always getting made fun of by his classmates Yongi being nice to him, but as the week went on he became more and more anxious about meeting them. Finally Saturday arrived and they were ready to go when Bobís dad got home early from work to go with them. They drove to the house. It was a beautiful estate with rose bushes everywhere statues fountains it all looked majestic. They drove up and Bob got out. He went to the door and rang the door bell. The door slowly opened and there stood Yongi. She was shocked and so was he. They just stood there for several minutes and finally Bob began to explain. Yongi was speechless and did not say anything until her parents came up behind her. She then explained to her what Bob told her and told Bob and gestured to his parents to come inside and sit down. They then started to explain that when they were young they had a child, but because they were not doing well financially they figured that it would be better if he had a foster home so he wouldnít have to suffer. Shortly after giving him up for adoption Jack, the father inherited a sum of 5 million dollars from he deceased father. They then hired private investigators to find him, but they were never able to. Bob did not say anything for a while and then asked if they would be willing to take DNA test for Bob was not entirely convinced. They agreed and they all went to the hospital and the doctor notified them that it would take several days. They all went home then at school Yongi and Bob did not say anything to each other. However one day while in class Yongi told Bob that they had already been planning on moving back to Europe, after that he week seemed to go by extremely slow. Finally the day arrived Bobís parents picked him up from school and they headed over to the hospital. Along the way it started to rain. When they arrived Yongi and her parents were already there. The results came back positive and Bob was their son. Bob was not sure if he was happy or sad. Bob went home along the way however it stated to rain harder and harder, then all of a sudden John lost control and the car began to spin. Then the car ran into the guard rail of the free and bounced off of it. Tires skidding then they were ht by an oncoming pick-up truck. They were all rushed to the hospital Bob was fine only a few bumps and bruises, his parents however were not so lucky. They had suffered multiple fractures and breaks throughout their body. They were not in any life threatening danger. However the doctor told them that there may be a chance they his dad may not be able to walk again and his mom had suffered a major concussion and might possible have brain damage. Bob stayed with them. After a few days they were ok to go home they just had a few casts on and would have to take it easy. His mom was fine she did not have any brain damage however his dad was not so lucky. His legs were crushed and he would not be able to properly function with them. A couple days after Yongiís dad called to see how they were doing, and also inform him that they were leaving for Europe for a few days and they would like him to come along. Bob was frightened for he did not know what to do. Leave his foster parents who had taken care of him since he was a small child and now needed some extra help or go with his real parents and Yongi to Europe.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Yongi
Administrator
avatar

Number of posts : 464
Age : 25
Registration date : 2007-07-28

PostSubject: Re: HELP MEEEEEEE   Tue Oct 16, 2007 4:24 pm

OMFG are you for real??!!

havent read it all yet ^^" i have no time now

_________________
InGameName: Cutiefull

Back to top Go down
View user profile http://chibi.forumotion.co.uk
NINJA
Elite
Elite
avatar

Number of posts : 234
Age : 25
Location : my house
Registration date : 2007-08-14

PostSubject: Re: HELP MEEEEEEE   Tue Oct 16, 2007 4:36 pm

itsa skool project oaoer that i have to wear
Back to top Go down
View user profile
griffeltje
Veteran
Veteran


Number of posts : 43
Age : 25
Registration date : 2007-10-09

PostSubject: Re: HELP MEEEEEEE   Tue Oct 16, 2007 4:43 pm

first impression: long (and probably boring)
i will start reading it now...
Back to top Go down
View user profile
NINJA
Elite
Elite
avatar

Number of posts : 234
Age : 25
Location : my house
Registration date : 2007-08-14

PostSubject: Re: HELP MEEEEEEE   Tue Oct 16, 2007 4:43 pm

ty ty ty
Back to top Go down
View user profile
griffeltje
Veteran
Veteran


Number of posts : 43
Age : 25
Registration date : 2007-10-09

PostSubject: Re: HELP MEEEEEEE   Tue Oct 16, 2007 4:45 pm

I was wrong XD ...
but serious for skool?
Back to top Go down
View user profile
NINJA
Elite
Elite
avatar

Number of posts : 234
Age : 25
Location : my house
Registration date : 2007-08-14

PostSubject: Re: HELP MEEEEEEE   Tue Oct 16, 2007 4:46 pm

yeah i jus put yongi and bobs name in there cause i was bored and couldnt thinkof names
Back to top Go down
View user profile
griffeltje
Veteran
Veteran


Number of posts : 43
Age : 25
Registration date : 2007-10-09

PostSubject: Re: HELP MEEEEEEE   Tue Oct 16, 2007 4:50 pm

what was the assigment!?
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Yongi
Administrator
avatar

Number of posts : 464
Age : 25
Registration date : 2007-07-28

PostSubject: Re: HELP MEEEEEEE   Tue Oct 16, 2007 4:50 pm

k i read it all ^^

you had some type errors
Quote :
she was so bust with her work
Quote :
after that he week seemed
and some more but i cant find it anymore xD

and another thing... comma's!! your sentences are way too long sometimes.. with comma's you can make it easier to read
for example the last sentence
Quote :
Leave his foster parents, who had taken care of him since he was a small child, and now needed some extra help or go with his real parents and Yongi to Europe.
or something like that

i cant check other things for you like grammar... im not that good in english xD

and Yongi is such a nice name ^____^

_________________
InGameName: Cutiefull

Back to top Go down
View user profile http://chibi.forumotion.co.uk
NINJA
Elite
Elite
avatar

Number of posts : 234
Age : 25
Location : my house
Registration date : 2007-08-14

PostSubject: Re: HELP MEEEEEEE   Tue Oct 16, 2007 4:54 pm

lol ty guys and its for my english class have to write a short story with irony and amibuity(not sure what it means but have to write a story with it)
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Yongi
Administrator
avatar

Number of posts : 464
Age : 25
Registration date : 2007-07-28

PostSubject: Re: HELP MEEEEEEE   Tue Oct 16, 2007 4:56 pm

the story is good ^^

whats irony again? xD

_________________
InGameName: Cutiefull

Back to top Go down
View user profile http://chibi.forumotion.co.uk
griffeltje
Veteran
Veteran


Number of posts : 43
Age : 25
Registration date : 2007-10-09

PostSubject: Re: HELP MEEEEEEE   Tue Oct 16, 2007 5:06 pm

irony and amibuity
sarcasm and doubt
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Yongi
Administrator
avatar

Number of posts : 464
Age : 25
Registration date : 2007-07-28

PostSubject: Re: HELP MEEEEEEE   Tue Oct 16, 2007 5:11 pm

sarcasm... ? is no humor-humor :DD

doubt... is like something that is so weird that its almost not true right?

i think your story lacks te sarcasm :O

_________________
InGameName: Cutiefull

Back to top Go down
View user profile http://chibi.forumotion.co.uk
griffeltje
Veteran
Veteran


Number of posts : 43
Age : 25
Registration date : 2007-10-09

PostSubject: Re: HELP MEEEEEEE   Tue Oct 16, 2007 5:21 pm

yeah
i thought that you had to write a dramatic story when i read it D:
Back to top Go down
View user profile
griffeltje
Veteran
Veteran


Number of posts : 43
Age : 25
Registration date : 2007-10-09

PostSubject: Re: HELP MEEEEEEE   Tue Oct 16, 2007 5:23 pm

doubt- disbelieve
sacasm- * watch the avatar and listen carefully to sokka*
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Yongi
Administrator
avatar

Number of posts : 464
Age : 25
Registration date : 2007-07-28

PostSubject: Re: HELP MEEEEEEE   Tue Oct 16, 2007 7:48 pm

oh and btw...

WHY IS THIS IN CLAN ANNOUNCEMENTS???

/MOVED

_________________
InGameName: Cutiefull

Back to top Go down
View user profile http://chibi.forumotion.co.uk
NINJA
Elite
Elite
avatar

Number of posts : 234
Age : 25
Location : my house
Registration date : 2007-08-14

PostSubject: Re: HELP MEEEEEEE   Wed Oct 17, 2007 4:44 pm

griffeltje wrote:
doubt- disbelieve
sacasm- * watch the avatar and listen carefully to sokka*

hehe i love avatar
Back to top Go down
View user profile
griffeltje
Veteran
Veteran


Number of posts : 43
Age : 25
Registration date : 2007-10-09

PostSubject: Re: HELP MEEEEEEE   Wed Oct 17, 2007 7:32 pm

me too
kind of addicted to it...
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Bobcaticus
Moderator


Number of posts : 126
Age : 109
Location : Ragnoron, Sometimes in my country house in Scotland! BTW Can I have your shoelaces?
Registration date : 2007-07-28

PostSubject: Re: HELP MEEEEEEE   Fri Oct 26, 2007 9:27 am

I know that Bob! He lives down the street from me.

His name is actually Bob sucitac, a poor person and not very knowledgable I'm afraid too say. He seems like a nice guy but anyways...

As hard as it is to say, your story needs more stuff in it. For me the plot/outline/story went fast and skipped things it could of had. It was like :
|KEY|
|A = Start|
|C = End|

Zote's Essaymajiger :

A -------> C (There should be a B (For Middle (Triple Brackets!)))
________________________

Basically all you needed to do is make it longer.

Although you've probably already handed it in...












...














Oh yeah, I'm back. ^___^


Last edited by on Fri Oct 26, 2007 11:36 am; edited 3 times in total
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Yongi
Administrator
avatar

Number of posts : 464
Age : 25
Registration date : 2007-07-28

PostSubject: Re: HELP MEEEEEEE   Fri Oct 26, 2007 10:44 am

i see bob is back =]
wb bob

we wished you a happy birthday when you were gone ^^

_________________
InGameName: Cutiefull

Back to top Go down
View user profile http://chibi.forumotion.co.uk
Sponsored content




PostSubject: Re: HELP MEEEEEEE   

Back to top Go down
 
HELP MEEEEEEE
Back to top 
Page 1 of 1

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
Chibi :: General :: Members Board-
Jump to: